Oops I did it again...

The past however long since I posted has been spent in a blissful world of oversleeping, overeating, doing no work, going out, and Harry Harry Harry

I had a brilliant time at my friends 21st, have started getting super excited for my clinical placement and planned a social for everyone based there to meet. I've had lots of laughs in the pubs with friends new and old. I went to Chinese NYE with my parents in Chinatown. I've been quite the social butterfly, and I've spent every opportunity available with Harry.

But I fuck everything up. I went to Bop on friday, got off my tits and though it'd be an amazing idea to get with two of my friends ( one male, one female). Obviously I was mucking about rambling about Medics Incest-medics are notorious for having sex with each other and having all sorts of bizzare love triangles. But still, not the point is it. Snogging a lad is snogging a lad, no matter how you put it.

The worse thing is that I asked Harry to be my boyfriend on Wednesday and he said Yes.

Why do I do these things? WEll this involves analysing myself as a character. My insecurity and jealously namely.

At Pangaea he was in deep convo with another girl and didn't respond to me-I go get with someone else.

This week he basically said that this girl he had a one night stand with last semester was more attractive than me. This is true - she looks like she could model for topshop whilst I'm more on the 'cuddly' side with unplucked eyebrows, make-up less face, and a blotchy self-dye job. So though it's only a tiny thing, what it said to me was-I can do better than you. That I was a bit of a step down. No wonder I'll spend more than one night with him, because I am less atrractive. I know this is all completely irrational. Once I have these things in my head though, I use whatever evidence I can to back this bizzarre theory up.

And then of course, when I get into situations like the one on Friday, instead of thinking no, I only want Harry, I think 'f**k it, I should have fun, he doesn't even care about me, why should I hang around after him'.

Even though of course he does. In the morning the sense of guilt consumed me. It still is now, this aching regret. I told him pretty much straight away, and he's giving me a clean slate. I don't deserve it though.

People obviously judge me and think I'm a terrible person. They must think I don't like Harry much. But the opposite is true, I like him a lotalotalotalot. But when I can feel myself falling for someone I get scared. I'm so afraid of being hurt. I don't want to trail after someone who doesn't give a crap about me. I've done it before, and it hurts. You feel shit about yourself and you end up with a broken heart. I can't even explain how it feels to love somebody so much and for them to just dismiss you. You just feel used. Good enough to have sex with, but not good enough to love. Just a convenient vent for your sexual frustrations while you seek something better.

With that guy, he was in love with me when I decided I wanted Justin instead. He pulled out the stops then. But eventually the puppy you abuse turns around and bites you doesn't it?

So yes, it is perverse logic to hurt someone else instead, but try to grasp, it's a self preservation thing. If you make someone your everything when they're gone you'll have nothing. It's an unhealthy outlet to get with other people I know.

But the difference is that Harry does want me, he does. I feel like I just repeat the same mistakes over and over and never learn, so I'm going to start learning. I'm going to try and deserve Harry, but take it slowly. I want him so so much though. I know that I'm going to end up being in love with him if I carry on the way I am with him. So I better tread carefully.

Everybody's changing.

I'm aware the first two blog posts were a little long so I'll keep this relevant to a theme:

Change.

It made me sad recently, looking through old photographs. I've had so many brilliant times and had so many brilliant friends. But now I feel like I'm stuck in limbo land. There's no one I feel truly close to anymore. Justin kind of assumed the role of best friend along with boyfriend, and now there's a gap there that I most definately notice. I want to go on holiday, do some different things, but I have no one to go with.

I went to STA travel to see where I could go travelling this summer. Will I get bored or lonely alone though? I thought going on my own might be a good experience. It made me sad that my old best friend booked 3 weeks in India with another mate. I'm not her best friend anymore, but we used to see each other every day. I want to make more effort, I called her, I'm going to remember to contact her weekly. I'm going to send all my old friends from home valentines day cards. We used to be a proper little gang, but not anymore. I feel bad because when I went to uni I didn't think much of other's decisions to stay home: and vice versa. Home is a commutable distance from uni. I should go home more often.

My housemates. Last year we were the fabulous 5. We were inseperable. Now I'm just not clicking with them anymore since we started living together, the dynamics changed. I like them, they're my mates, but they're not my best friends like I thought they were.

New friends. I make them all the time. I laugh I joke, we meet up with mutual friends. But it never goes further. It never progresses to that stage of closeness and trust.

Preston. In September I move to Preston to commence my clinical training. It could be an incredible chance for a new start, but what a change. I consider Manchester my hometown, and I love it so. I've never lived anywhere else.

I taught life support in a primary school today, and the teacher referred to me as an adult. What?! I'm just a kid! But I'm not am I. I work, I study for a professional degree, I pay rent and bills, I cook, I clean, I shop.

I cleaned my room today, properly. It felt good to get rid of all the dust and the mess. I look at it now and it's fresh and lovely. Good as new.

Change happens, inevitably. I found some awesome quotes about change.

Every new day is another chance to change your life.

The times in life, that seems to be the worst, always turn out for the best!

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

Take chances. Tell the truth. Date someone totally wrong for you. Say no. Spend all your cash! Fall in love. Get to know someone random. Be random. Say I love you. Sing out loud. Laugh at a stupid joke. Cry. Get revenge. Apologize. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Tell the asshole what you feel. Let someone know what they're missing. Laugh til your stomach hurts. LIVE LIFE!
I intend on grabbing life with both hands.