The past however long since I posted has been spent in a blissful world of oversleeping, overeating, doing no work, going out, and Harry Harry Harry
I had a brilliant time at my friends 21st, have started getting super excited for my clinical placement and planned a social for everyone based there to meet. I've had lots of laughs in the pubs with friends new and old. I went to Chinese NYE with my parents in Chinatown. I've been quite the social butterfly, and I've spent every opportunity available with Harry.
But I fuck everything up. I went to Bop on friday, got off my tits and though it'd be an amazing idea to get with two of my friends ( one male, one female). Obviously I was mucking about rambling about Medics Incest-medics are notorious for having sex with each other and having all sorts of bizzare love triangles. But still, not the point is it. Snogging a lad is snogging a lad, no matter how you put it.
The worse thing is that I asked Harry to be my boyfriend on Wednesday and he said Yes.
Why do I do these things? WEll this involves analysing myself as a character. My insecurity and jealously namely.
At Pangaea he was in deep convo with another girl and didn't respond to me-I go get with someone else.
This week he basically said that this girl he had a one night stand with last semester was more attractive than me. This is true - she looks like she could model for topshop whilst I'm more on the 'cuddly' side with unplucked eyebrows, make-up less face, and a blotchy self-dye job. So though it's only a tiny thing, what it said to me was-I can do better than you. That I was a bit of a step down. No wonder I'll spend more than one night with him, because I am less atrractive. I know this is all completely irrational. Once I have these things in my head though, I use whatever evidence I can to back this bizzarre theory up.
And then of course, when I get into situations like the one on Friday, instead of thinking no, I only want Harry, I think 'f**k it, I should have fun, he doesn't even care about me, why should I hang around after him'.
Even though of course he does. In the morning the sense of guilt consumed me. It still is now, this aching regret. I told him pretty much straight away, and he's giving me a clean slate. I don't deserve it though.
People obviously judge me and think I'm a terrible person. They must think I don't like Harry much. But the opposite is true, I like him a lotalotalotalot. But when I can feel myself falling for someone I get scared. I'm so afraid of being hurt. I don't want to trail after someone who doesn't give a crap about me. I've done it before, and it hurts. You feel shit about yourself and you end up with a broken heart. I can't even explain how it feels to love somebody so much and for them to just dismiss you. You just feel used. Good enough to have sex with, but not good enough to love. Just a convenient vent for your sexual frustrations while you seek something better.
With that guy, he was in love with me when I decided I wanted Justin instead. He pulled out the stops then. But eventually the puppy you abuse turns around and bites you doesn't it?
So yes, it is perverse logic to hurt someone else instead, but try to grasp, it's a self preservation thing. If you make someone your everything when they're gone you'll have nothing. It's an unhealthy outlet to get with other people I know.
But the difference is that Harry does want me, he does. I feel like I just repeat the same mistakes over and over and never learn, so I'm going to start learning. I'm going to try and deserve Harry, but take it slowly. I want him so so much though. I know that I'm going to end up being in love with him if I carry on the way I am with him. So I better tread carefully.
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