Oops I did it again...

The past however long since I posted has been spent in a blissful world of oversleeping, overeating, doing no work, going out, and Harry Harry Harry

I had a brilliant time at my friends 21st, have started getting super excited for my clinical placement and planned a social for everyone based there to meet. I've had lots of laughs in the pubs with friends new and old. I went to Chinese NYE with my parents in Chinatown. I've been quite the social butterfly, and I've spent every opportunity available with Harry.

But I fuck everything up. I went to Bop on friday, got off my tits and though it'd be an amazing idea to get with two of my friends ( one male, one female). Obviously I was mucking about rambling about Medics Incest-medics are notorious for having sex with each other and having all sorts of bizzare love triangles. But still, not the point is it. Snogging a lad is snogging a lad, no matter how you put it.

The worse thing is that I asked Harry to be my boyfriend on Wednesday and he said Yes.

Why do I do these things? WEll this involves analysing myself as a character. My insecurity and jealously namely.

At Pangaea he was in deep convo with another girl and didn't respond to me-I go get with someone else.

This week he basically said that this girl he had a one night stand with last semester was more attractive than me. This is true - she looks like she could model for topshop whilst I'm more on the 'cuddly' side with unplucked eyebrows, make-up less face, and a blotchy self-dye job. So though it's only a tiny thing, what it said to me was-I can do better than you. That I was a bit of a step down. No wonder I'll spend more than one night with him, because I am less atrractive. I know this is all completely irrational. Once I have these things in my head though, I use whatever evidence I can to back this bizzarre theory up.

And then of course, when I get into situations like the one on Friday, instead of thinking no, I only want Harry, I think 'f**k it, I should have fun, he doesn't even care about me, why should I hang around after him'.

Even though of course he does. In the morning the sense of guilt consumed me. It still is now, this aching regret. I told him pretty much straight away, and he's giving me a clean slate. I don't deserve it though.

People obviously judge me and think I'm a terrible person. They must think I don't like Harry much. But the opposite is true, I like him a lotalotalotalot. But when I can feel myself falling for someone I get scared. I'm so afraid of being hurt. I don't want to trail after someone who doesn't give a crap about me. I've done it before, and it hurts. You feel shit about yourself and you end up with a broken heart. I can't even explain how it feels to love somebody so much and for them to just dismiss you. You just feel used. Good enough to have sex with, but not good enough to love. Just a convenient vent for your sexual frustrations while you seek something better.

With that guy, he was in love with me when I decided I wanted Justin instead. He pulled out the stops then. But eventually the puppy you abuse turns around and bites you doesn't it?

So yes, it is perverse logic to hurt someone else instead, but try to grasp, it's a self preservation thing. If you make someone your everything when they're gone you'll have nothing. It's an unhealthy outlet to get with other people I know.

But the difference is that Harry does want me, he does. I feel like I just repeat the same mistakes over and over and never learn, so I'm going to start learning. I'm going to try and deserve Harry, but take it slowly. I want him so so much though. I know that I'm going to end up being in love with him if I carry on the way I am with him. So I better tread carefully.

Everybody's changing.

I'm aware the first two blog posts were a little long so I'll keep this relevant to a theme:

Change.

It made me sad recently, looking through old photographs. I've had so many brilliant times and had so many brilliant friends. But now I feel like I'm stuck in limbo land. There's no one I feel truly close to anymore. Justin kind of assumed the role of best friend along with boyfriend, and now there's a gap there that I most definately notice. I want to go on holiday, do some different things, but I have no one to go with.

I went to STA travel to see where I could go travelling this summer. Will I get bored or lonely alone though? I thought going on my own might be a good experience. It made me sad that my old best friend booked 3 weeks in India with another mate. I'm not her best friend anymore, but we used to see each other every day. I want to make more effort, I called her, I'm going to remember to contact her weekly. I'm going to send all my old friends from home valentines day cards. We used to be a proper little gang, but not anymore. I feel bad because when I went to uni I didn't think much of other's decisions to stay home: and vice versa. Home is a commutable distance from uni. I should go home more often.

My housemates. Last year we were the fabulous 5. We were inseperable. Now I'm just not clicking with them anymore since we started living together, the dynamics changed. I like them, they're my mates, but they're not my best friends like I thought they were.

New friends. I make them all the time. I laugh I joke, we meet up with mutual friends. But it never goes further. It never progresses to that stage of closeness and trust.

Preston. In September I move to Preston to commence my clinical training. It could be an incredible chance for a new start, but what a change. I consider Manchester my hometown, and I love it so. I've never lived anywhere else.

I taught life support in a primary school today, and the teacher referred to me as an adult. What?! I'm just a kid! But I'm not am I. I work, I study for a professional degree, I pay rent and bills, I cook, I clean, I shop.

I cleaned my room today, properly. It felt good to get rid of all the dust and the mess. I look at it now and it's fresh and lovely. Good as new.

Change happens, inevitably. I found some awesome quotes about change.

Every new day is another chance to change your life.

The times in life, that seems to be the worst, always turn out for the best!

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

Take chances. Tell the truth. Date someone totally wrong for you. Say no. Spend all your cash! Fall in love. Get to know someone random. Be random. Say I love you. Sing out loud. Laugh at a stupid joke. Cry. Get revenge. Apologize. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Tell the asshole what you feel. Let someone know what they're missing. Laugh til your stomach hurts. LIVE LIFE!
I intend on grabbing life with both hands.

Ready For The Floor.

So I went to fallowfield, couldn't find my bus pass so I walked down the Curry Mile on my own, arrived at my friend's house at 4am. She's a new friend, we met during the library all nighters of exam period. I actually had some hilarious nights in good old John Rylands, dare I say I may miss them ha. So anyway we had a proper girly chat, she's got stuff going down men wise too. I woke next to her at half 10 in her bed, then scooted over to the house of the lad I'm seeing, Harry. He was glad to see me.

Last night was Pangaea, the epic official end of exams party at the union. It's a massive party, 4000 students, and last minute tickets go for around £40. It was space themed this time, so I'd already decided to go as the solar system! So yesterday afternoon I bought wire and paint and began to construct my headress, where I'd be attaching polystyrene balls painted as planets by wire to my headband which had a sun on. But ahhh. Great idea, not so great execution. The wire wouldn't hold them up. I struggled for ages, but to no avail. I will post a picture of my cute little planets hehe, they might come in handy sometime right..? My housemate Sarah absolutely pissed her pants at my attempts to hang these things off my body. Harry came around, and put on his outfit. MY GOD. Fluorescent tights, headband and netted gloves, hotpants and a space invaders T shirt. Sarah came back into the kitchen with her boyfriend and the pair of them obviously thought he was a reet nutter! I dressed like a raver to match him, we popped on our shot glass necklaces and sunglasses and off we went. If I had a pound for every strange look I'd be a rich girlie.

We went for pre drinks at my new clinical partner and his close friend Laurence's flat. Wow, what a shag den, it's so fabulous it puts my messy mouldy student room to shame. I saw some mates there and had a good time meeting more of Harry's friends. Harry got all gooey a bit later on when he was drunk and was going on how much he's glad that I got on with them. His real friends it seems like me, which was a relief after him saying on thursday night that a couple had told him to be wary.

I was a bit silly though. When we got inside I went to the toilet with a few girls. When I came back I was looking for Harry. Then I saw him talking intensely to this girl, his friend, and someone who I thought was great, but I knew they had a thing last year. He had his hands on her shoulders. I bounced over and said hi. Neither responded, so I repeated myself. they were too involved to even notice. Ahhhhhhh. So I made myself absent, and went to look for another friend. I was outside texting on the stairs to the main union bar when a charity person came up to me with a water pistol full of tequila-suggested donation a quid. I needed a shot, but I only had 80p change. then the guy next to me with a smile said he had £1.20. She accidently squirted him in the eye with tequila, I wiped his eye, we laughed, we got chatting. He was a masters grad, working full time now. Then who walked past but the friend I'd been looking for. So me and masters guy swapped numbers, but then I don't know how it happened, we kissed. We then parted ways ageeing to meet later.

So I went off with my friend and his housemates. But what initially felt naughty began to feel dirty, and I realised that I'd just ran off on Harry and copped off with someone else for no good reason. So I decided I needed to find him and fess up. His phone went to answerphone so I rang Lawrence. But when I found him and the group I came with they said they had lost him, and that he was drunk. I spent ages searching for him, then got a text saying where he was. I ran there, only to find him having a rave paint fight with two girls I didn't know. Turns out one was a friend from home. But I got pretty rapidly bored and annoyed watching him tumbling around with this girl and ignoring me. So I walked off. I heard him shout my name but I kept on going. Then I realised I had no right to be jealous, I'd just got off with someone else ffs! So I walked out onto a balcony, looked for him in the crowd, then spotted and shouted him. We kissed, we made up, and I spent the rest of the night with him. I told him about the other guy and he shrugged it off. We stole some polystyrene models, hit the dancefloor and had fun. Later on when it was just the two of us he said the sweetest most romantic things, I won't write it all here but suffice to say he wants it to just be me and him together, and that he has never felt this way before. We got lots of crappy kebab shop food and sat there arguing politics for ages. He stayed at mine and we spent all day cuddling today, then got a takeaway and watched a film. He forgot about me teeling him about the other guy , so it wasn't nice having to say again this morning gah.

But this isn't what I wanted!! I wanted to be alone, date people casually, kiss randomers in clubs just because I can. But even though I owed nothing to Harry, I still felt so disgustingly overwhelmingly guily for kissing that guy. I SHOULD have gone off with masters guy and let him buy me a drink, but I didn't want to, I wanted to be with the bloody fool wearing fluorescent tights. WTF Elsa, just wtf.

I watched PS I Love You with my housemate, and it was lovely. Maybe I should just want to find someone who loves me and I love too. Maybe Harry could be that person for me. We'll see.

Hey.

I don't really know why I started to write this, quite a few people have started keeping blogs now, and I guess sometimes I think I really should record what goes on as my life gets bit like a soap sometimes.

Plus I'm trying to start again at the minute. Me and my boyfriend Justin parted ways in December. I was the one doing the dumping, but still. Since then I've just been on a rollercoaster, what with bloody christmas and revising for my exams. I did my last exam yesterday, yes it was horrific, but now I'm free. And I've decided to start doing all the things I want to do, and start becoming the person I should be, strange as that sounds.

First things first-I dyed my hair red :) I've been wanting to for agess, so i just went and did it ha.

So yesterday after my exam I headed to the Union, and it was awesome. I love it when loads of medics are in one place, its nice catching up with people and seeing everyone together. Medics are quite cliquey I guess, but I like it. I was fairly drunk, I started buying whoever was with me at the bar drinks, and I was necking sambuca at 3 in the afternoon, brilliant! I woke up naked in my bed at 10pm with no recollection of even leaving the union. So I got dressed and headed to fallowfield with the gorgeous girls who are my housemates! We went to font then to Tarts: it's an absolute dive but it was soo fun, it's the people who make the party. Though it feels like I spent half the time there sat outside talking to this lad, well I suppose I'm 'seeing' him if you need a definition. Yes, I know, I only broke up with my long term boyfriend last month. If it needs justification, then here it is: I knew my relationship was over a long time before it actually ended, and I never intended on finding someone else so quickly. Well it's like a teenage crush all over again, he gives me butterflies. But I don't want a boyfriend and committment and issues and all that shit, I just want him.

But anyway this conversation outside; He told me that someone had told him that I'm 'unpredictable' and to be wary of me, and that another had said that they don't like me for no good reason other than they don't have a good feeling about me. Ouch. Sounds like the world hates me doesn't it? Ha well both people were medics I'm acquainted with, but not like they're my friends. The former I can understand, as the lad who said that and I had a few ructions last year. The second-well I can't help people who randomly dislike people can I? I told my workmates about it today, and they laughed and said I am unpredictable-no one knows what the bloody hell I'm going to do next! So I decided I'd rather be unpredictable than predictable! :D

So anyway, we went to Baa Bar then Red Rum after Tarts closed (at 1 the bastards!). I had a brillant night. I stayed at this lads, we got pizza, and he played guitar to me and today we went for lunch in the Cheshire Cat with me wearing last nights clothes :)

Then off to work. I work at a fancy bar/restaurant/functions complex in Castlefield, and it's not bad as far as part time jobs go tbh. First shift of the new year! But everyone remembers me getting off with one of the chefs at the christmas work do, and I got a comment from every other person about it! He's been asking where 'his' Elsa is ever since apparently gahhh, not looking forward to seeing him again, thankfully he wasn't in today. I had the easiest shift I could ask for, just making lots and lots of vodka+mixers on a paid for bar. Finished at 1.20am which is early seeming as I've finished at 4.30am before (6am on NYE!).

I've read this back and realised I sound like a bit of a mental slag really. You know what, I think to the outside world I'm loud and proud and brash and exuberant. but I'm not that person at all. I'm so achingly insecure. I don't like myself, and I think thats my problem. I need to be able to love myself before I can truly love anyone else.

Right, got to cut my moaning short , off to rescue a mate in need. Yes, I'm headed to fallowfield at 3.20am, cos I'm mental like that!

Love x